I got home with my girls after a run to the supermarket and hear the jailbird neighbor telling his girlfriend that my other neighbor left the gate open so they could swim while he was gone. So I ask him "What's up?" and he says Curt left the gate open so they could swim. Now, I have a pool so I do that for some of my friends but not this guy. So I ask Curt when he gets home--"Dude, did you leave your gate open so that fella could swim?" "Nope." was the answer.
So what's a guy to do?
Leave a comment and I'll tell where it went...
First comment:
Does that mean someone was swimming in your pool?
-----------------------------------------------
--No, that would have ended with the moron at gunpoint and the cops hauling him and his idiot girlfriend to the clink.
What happened was the jailbird moron and the woman with poor choice in men who lives on the corner lied to me and said Curt left his gate open so they could swim in his pool.
When I asked Curt he was pissed.
So, when the moron returned home that evening Curt and I paid him a visit (and Stan) and asked him to clear up the misunderstanding.
He insisted that Curt said he could swim anytime he wanted and took offense about having the whole neighbood in his business. Now, the guy is a mouthbreather who sells stolen tv's for extra money so I gently reminded him that people wandering loose in my neighbor's backyard IS my business and if my wife finds him in mine she's going to shoot him and then call me. I left it at that and let mugsy wander back to his disappointing life.
So, the next day Curt tells me "...I don't think he likes you much..."
My reply was simply - it's not a popularity contest Curt. It's life.
The Rules of Wedding Crashing
1: Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.
2: Never use your real name.
3: When crashing an Indian wedding, identify yourself as a well-known immigrant officer or a county lawyer.
4: No one goes home alone.
5: Never let a girl come between you and a fellow crasher.
6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
7: Blend in by standing out.
8: Be the life of the party.
9: Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
10: Invitations are for pussies.
11: Sensitive is good.
12: When it stops being fun, break something.
13: Bridesmaids are desperate: console them.
14: You're a distant relative of a dead cousin.
15: Fight the urge to tell the truth.
16: Always have an up-to-date family tree.
17: Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
18: You love animals and children.
19: Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.
20: The older the better, the younger the better (see below)
21: Definitely make sure she's 18.
22: You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime.
23: There's nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there's enough women to go around.
24: If you get outed, leave calmly. Do not run.
25: You understand she heard that, but that's not what you meant.
26: Of course you love her.
27: Don't over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
28: Make sure there's an open bar.
29: Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
30: Know the play-book so you can call an audible.
31: If you call an audible, always make sure your fellow Crashers know.
32: Don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
33: Never go back to your place.
34: Be gone by sunrise.
35: Breakfast is for closers.
36: Your favorite movie is "The English Patient".
37: At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
38: Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.
39: The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.
40: Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you're "sweet."
41: Never hit on the bride; it's a one way ticket to the pavement.
42: Try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun.
43: At the service, sit in the fifth row. It's close enough to wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.
44: Create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you're after, but don't talk about it.
45: Always remember your fake name! Rehearse it in advance and make sure you know your fellow Crasher's code-name as well!
46: The rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don't sully them by "improvising."
47: You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.
48: Make sure all the single women at the wedding know you're there because you've just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fiancée.
49: Always work into the conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?"
50: Be pensive! It draws out the "healer" in women.
51: Always pull out in time.
52: Tell any woman you're interested in that you'd love to stay put, but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.
53: It's time to put your Drama Lessons in practice! Get choked up during the service. The girls will think you're "sensitive". Bring a slice of onion or artificial tears if necessary.
54: Avoid virgins. They're too clingy.
55: If pressed, tell people you're related to Uncle John. Everyone has an Uncle John.
56: Don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up.
57: When seeing a rival Crasher, do not interact. Merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on.
58: The Ferrari's in the shop.
59: If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.
60: No "chicken dancing." No exceptions.
61: When crashing out of state, request permission from the local Wedding Crasher chapter.
62: No more than two weddings a weekend; more and your game gets sloppy. You'll also attract unwanted notice.
63: Bring an extra umbrella when it rains. Courtesy opens more legs than charm.
64: Always save room for cake.
65: When your crash partner fails, you fail. No man is an island.
66: Smile! You're having the time of your life.
67: Mix it up a little. You can't always be the man with the haunted past.
68: Dance with the Bride's grandmother.
69: No sex on the altar. Confessionals, okay. Chair lofts, better.
70: Two shutouts in a row? It's time to take a week off. Ask yourself: what is it that is getting in the way of my happiness?
71: Research, research, research the wedding party. And when you are done researching, research some more.
72: Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints: small cost, big yield.
73: Keep interactions with the parents of the bride and groom to a minimum.
74: In case of emergency, refer to the book.
75: Do NOT sing at the reception.
76: No excuses. Play like a champion.
77: Carry extra protection at ALL times.
78: The unmarried female rabbi: is she fair game? Of course she is.
79: The tables furthest from the kitchen always get served first.
80: Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.
81: Occasionally bring a gift. You're getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender.
82: Always think ahead, but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you'll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.
83: Don't let the ring bearer bum your smokes. His parents may start to ask questions.
84: Stay clear of the wedding planner. They may recognize you and start to wonder.
85: Don't use the "I have two months to live" bit; not cool, not effective.
86: Shoes say a lot about the man.
87: Always choose large weddings. More choice. Easier to blend.
88: You're from out of town. ALWAYS.
89: Know something about the place you say you are from, whether it's another US state or another country. Texas is too played-out. For some reason, England, Germany, or even New Hampshire seem to work. Master the accents convincingly, and you've nailed them!
90: Of course you dream of one day having children.
91: Never dance to "What I Like About You." It's long past time to let that song go. Someone will request it at every wedding. Don't dance to it. No matter how hot the girl.
92: Tell the bride's friends and family that you are family of the groom and visa-versa.
93: Only take one car. You never know when you'll need to make a fast escape.
94: Deep down, most people hate themselves. This knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors.
95: Try not to show off on the dance floor. This means you Jeremy.
96: Etiquette isn't old-fashioned, it's sexy.
97: Catholic weddings-- the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony, horny girls.
98: The newspaper Wedding Announcements are your racing form. Choose carefully.
99: Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.
100: Save the tuxes for "the big show" only.
101: Avoid women who were psychology majors in college. There is no kind of woman more clingy and persistent than a psychologist investigating your story later on.
102: No periwinkle colored ties, please.
103: Always have an early "appointment" the next morning.
104: Be well groomed and well-mannered.
105: Never cockblock a fellow Crasher. Cockblocking an invited guest is okay.
106: Eat plentiful, digest your food. You'll need the energy later.
107: Know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating.
108: Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.
109: Always carry an assortment of place cards to match any wedding design.
110: Make sure your magic trick and balloon animal skills are not rusty. If the kids love it, the girls will too.
111: Never have sex with bride or groom's mother, even if she is the hottest bombshell at the wedding. Just control yourself.
112: Have FUN! It's why you're there!
113: Don't look for opportunities; make them.
114: 3-4 months to wedding crash--funerals are year round!
115: Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket. (The that Jeremy makes up to insult John)
2: Never use your real name.
3: When crashing an Indian wedding, identify yourself as a well-known immigrant officer or a county lawyer.
4: No one goes home alone.
5: Never let a girl come between you and a fellow crasher.
6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
7: Blend in by standing out.
8: Be the life of the party.
9: Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
10: Invitations are for pussies.
11: Sensitive is good.
12: When it stops being fun, break something.
13: Bridesmaids are desperate: console them.
14: You're a distant relative of a dead cousin.
15: Fight the urge to tell the truth.
16: Always have an up-to-date family tree.
17: Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
18: You love animals and children.
19: Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.
20: The older the better, the younger the better (see below)
21: Definitely make sure she's 18.
22: You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime.
23: There's nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there's enough women to go around.
24: If you get outed, leave calmly. Do not run.
25: You understand she heard that, but that's not what you meant.
26: Of course you love her.
27: Don't over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
28: Make sure there's an open bar.
29: Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
30: Know the play-book so you can call an audible.
31: If you call an audible, always make sure your fellow Crashers know.
32: Don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
33: Never go back to your place.
34: Be gone by sunrise.
35: Breakfast is for closers.
36: Your favorite movie is "The English Patient".
37: At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
38: Girls in hats tend to be proper and rarely give it up.
39: The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.
40: Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you're "sweet."
41: Never hit on the bride; it's a one way ticket to the pavement.
42: Try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun.
43: At the service, sit in the fifth row. It's close enough to wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.
44: Create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you're after, but don't talk about it.
45: Always remember your fake name! Rehearse it in advance and make sure you know your fellow Crasher's code-name as well!
46: The rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don't sully them by "improvising."
47: You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.
48: Make sure all the single women at the wedding know you're there because you've just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fiancée.
49: Always work into the conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?"
50: Be pensive! It draws out the "healer" in women.
51: Always pull out in time.
52: Tell any woman you're interested in that you'd love to stay put, but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.
53: It's time to put your Drama Lessons in practice! Get choked up during the service. The girls will think you're "sensitive". Bring a slice of onion or artificial tears if necessary.
54: Avoid virgins. They're too clingy.
55: If pressed, tell people you're related to Uncle John. Everyone has an Uncle John.
56: Don't fixate on one woman. ALWAYS have a back-up.
57: When seeing a rival Crasher, do not interact. Merely acknowledge each other with a tug on the earlobe and gracefully move on.
58: The Ferrari's in the shop.
59: If two rival crashers pick the same girl, the crasher with the least seniority will respectfully yield.
60: No "chicken dancing." No exceptions.
61: When crashing out of state, request permission from the local Wedding Crasher chapter.
62: No more than two weddings a weekend; more and your game gets sloppy. You'll also attract unwanted notice.
63: Bring an extra umbrella when it rains. Courtesy opens more legs than charm.
64: Always save room for cake.
65: When your crash partner fails, you fail. No man is an island.
66: Smile! You're having the time of your life.
67: Mix it up a little. You can't always be the man with the haunted past.
68: Dance with the Bride's grandmother.
69: No sex on the altar. Confessionals, okay. Chair lofts, better.
70: Two shutouts in a row? It's time to take a week off. Ask yourself: what is it that is getting in the way of my happiness?
71: Research, research, research the wedding party. And when you are done researching, research some more.
72: Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints: small cost, big yield.
73: Keep interactions with the parents of the bride and groom to a minimum.
74: In case of emergency, refer to the book.
75: Do NOT sing at the reception.
76: No excuses. Play like a champion.
77: Carry extra protection at ALL times.
78: The unmarried female rabbi: is she fair game? Of course she is.
79: The tables furthest from the kitchen always get served first.
80: Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.
81: Occasionally bring a gift. You're getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender.
82: Always think ahead, but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you'll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.
83: Don't let the ring bearer bum your smokes. His parents may start to ask questions.
84: Stay clear of the wedding planner. They may recognize you and start to wonder.
85: Don't use the "I have two months to live" bit; not cool, not effective.
86: Shoes say a lot about the man.
87: Always choose large weddings. More choice. Easier to blend.
88: You're from out of town. ALWAYS.
89: Know something about the place you say you are from, whether it's another US state or another country. Texas is too played-out. For some reason, England, Germany, or even New Hampshire seem to work. Master the accents convincingly, and you've nailed them!
90: Of course you dream of one day having children.
91: Never dance to "What I Like About You." It's long past time to let that song go. Someone will request it at every wedding. Don't dance to it. No matter how hot the girl.
92: Tell the bride's friends and family that you are family of the groom and visa-versa.
93: Only take one car. You never know when you'll need to make a fast escape.
94: Deep down, most people hate themselves. This knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors.
95: Try not to show off on the dance floor. This means you Jeremy.
96: Etiquette isn't old-fashioned, it's sexy.
97: Catholic weddings-- the classic dilemma: painfully long ceremony, horny girls.
98: The newspaper Wedding Announcements are your racing form. Choose carefully.
99: Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.
100: Save the tuxes for "the big show" only.
101: Avoid women who were psychology majors in college. There is no kind of woman more clingy and persistent than a psychologist investigating your story later on.
102: No periwinkle colored ties, please.
103: Always have an early "appointment" the next morning.
104: Be well groomed and well-mannered.
105: Never cockblock a fellow Crasher. Cockblocking an invited guest is okay.
106: Eat plentiful, digest your food. You'll need the energy later.
107: Know when to abandon ship if it ain't floating.
108: Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.
109: Always carry an assortment of place cards to match any wedding design.
110: Make sure your magic trick and balloon animal skills are not rusty. If the kids love it, the girls will too.
111: Never have sex with bride or groom's mother, even if she is the hottest bombshell at the wedding. Just control yourself.
112: Have FUN! It's why you're there!
113: Don't look for opportunities; make them.
114: 3-4 months to wedding crash--funerals are year round!
115: Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket. (The that Jeremy makes up to insult John)
busy-ness
Sorry all - I've been pretty busy with the family lately.
I'll try to pick up the pace again...
I'll try to pick up the pace again...
Newlyweds
At 85 years of age, Jack married LaVonne, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, LaVonne decides that after their wedding she and Jack should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities LaVonne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Jack, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Jack takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LaVonne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Jack. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LaVonne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Jack kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Jack is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Jack gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Jack.”
Jack, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LaVonne and says, “You mean I was here already?”
Alzheimer’s - it has its advantages.
Bits & Pieces by Jonco
After the wedding festivities LaVonne prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Jack, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Jack takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LaVonne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Jack. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LaVonne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Jack kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Jack is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Jack gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Jack.”
Jack, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LaVonne and says, “You mean I was here already?”
Alzheimer’s - it has its advantages.
Bits & Pieces by Jonco
Calendar
Recently I wrote that newspapers (all of them online) would become extremely local to your family. CNN had a similar article recently, but what they call hyperlocal is your community, not your family. So that isn't nearly local enough in my view.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/05/01/future.online.news.hyperlocal/index.html?iref=t2test_techtues
Moreover, I think the family calendar is the organizing principle into which all external information should flow. I want the kids' school schedules for sports and plays and even lunch choices to automatically flow into the home calendar. And when I want to decide what to do on the weekend, I want to click on the date for next Saturday and have all the relevant choices of plays, movies, and events pop up. Everything you do has a time dimension. If you are looking for a new home, the open houses are on certain dates, and certain houses that fit your needs are open at certain times. If you are shopping for some particular good, you often need to know the store hours. Your calendar needs to know your shopping list and preferences so it can suggest good times to do certain things.Time is closely related to distance. On a typical night, for a typical family, there is much driving to and fro to deliver people and goods to where they need to be. Sometimes it is more complicated than a Fedex route. It would be nice if the family calendar helped us plan the shortest routes to accomplish all goals. The calendar just needs to know what I need and when, then plan which family member with a car is nearest.Perhaps your calendar could suggest some carpooling as well, all automatically. I don't need to know my friends' business, but if their calendars and mine spoke to each other and found some common driving patterns it could shoot us both an offer to carpool, assuming we had approved those friends in advance for such offers. My phone would get the offer and I could confirm with a simple text message response.When I read the news, I'm generally most interested in how stories have unfolded across time. I want to know the "new news," as in the topics that have never been reported until today, but I also want ongoing charts and graphs about the "old news" such as wars and the economy. My understanding of the war in Iraq, for example, has little to do with what blew up today and a lot to do with the trend lines over the entire war. In other words, I see the news in terms of time.In most families, everyone keeps their own calendar and does a spotty job of sharing what's on it with everyone else. In time that calendar coordination will happen electronically. And most of the information will come from external sources, such as your schools, clubs, and organizations to which you belong.Some time ago I blogged that advertising belongs in your electronic calendar, for your benefit more than for the advertiser. That's because my interest and desire in certain products and services is linked to timing. If my calendar has a certain birthday coming up in a week, and I've checked the boxes saying the person is a certain age and gender, or has certain hobbies, my calendar can start giving me gift suggestions and recommending online flowers and e-cards and the like. In other words, advertisements can move from nuisance to valuable service just by adjusting when you see them.I think the biggest software revolution of the future is that the calendar will be the organizing filter for most of the information flowing into your life. You think you are bombarded with too much information every day, but in reality it is just the timing of the information that is wrong. Once the calendar becomes the organizing paradigm and filter, it won't seem as if there is so much.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/05/01/future.online.news.hyperlocal/index.html?iref=t2test_techtues
Moreover, I think the family calendar is the organizing principle into which all external information should flow. I want the kids' school schedules for sports and plays and even lunch choices to automatically flow into the home calendar. And when I want to decide what to do on the weekend, I want to click on the date for next Saturday and have all the relevant choices of plays, movies, and events pop up. Everything you do has a time dimension. If you are looking for a new home, the open houses are on certain dates, and certain houses that fit your needs are open at certain times. If you are shopping for some particular good, you often need to know the store hours. Your calendar needs to know your shopping list and preferences so it can suggest good times to do certain things.Time is closely related to distance. On a typical night, for a typical family, there is much driving to and fro to deliver people and goods to where they need to be. Sometimes it is more complicated than a Fedex route. It would be nice if the family calendar helped us plan the shortest routes to accomplish all goals. The calendar just needs to know what I need and when, then plan which family member with a car is nearest.Perhaps your calendar could suggest some carpooling as well, all automatically. I don't need to know my friends' business, but if their calendars and mine spoke to each other and found some common driving patterns it could shoot us both an offer to carpool, assuming we had approved those friends in advance for such offers. My phone would get the offer and I could confirm with a simple text message response.When I read the news, I'm generally most interested in how stories have unfolded across time. I want to know the "new news," as in the topics that have never been reported until today, but I also want ongoing charts and graphs about the "old news" such as wars and the economy. My understanding of the war in Iraq, for example, has little to do with what blew up today and a lot to do with the trend lines over the entire war. In other words, I see the news in terms of time.In most families, everyone keeps their own calendar and does a spotty job of sharing what's on it with everyone else. In time that calendar coordination will happen electronically. And most of the information will come from external sources, such as your schools, clubs, and organizations to which you belong.Some time ago I blogged that advertising belongs in your electronic calendar, for your benefit more than for the advertiser. That's because my interest and desire in certain products and services is linked to timing. If my calendar has a certain birthday coming up in a week, and I've checked the boxes saying the person is a certain age and gender, or has certain hobbies, my calendar can start giving me gift suggestions and recommending online flowers and e-cards and the like. In other words, advertisements can move from nuisance to valuable service just by adjusting when you see them.I think the biggest software revolution of the future is that the calendar will be the organizing filter for most of the information flowing into your life. You think you are bombarded with too much information every day, but in reality it is just the timing of the information that is wrong. Once the calendar becomes the organizing paradigm and filter, it won't seem as if there is so much.
Ohhh the humanity !!!!!1
What's left of this Dodge Challenger was spotted outside a Massachusetts body shop earlier today. Apparently the owner was either "doing a drift or a burnout."
Yes, into a wall.
Coolest driveway EVER! ! ! !
What could quite possibly be the coolest driveway ever was found outside of Lakeland, Florida. Our friends at The Car Lounge used Google Earth to get a closer view of this killer not-so-mini racetrack driveway.
If you look closely you'll notice that he's even installed FIA curbs to each of the corners. We're wondering what kind of ride he has lurking under those trees - a shifter kart, some Italian muscle or what.
If you look closely you'll notice that he's even installed FIA curbs to each of the corners. We're wondering what kind of ride he has lurking under those trees - a shifter kart, some Italian muscle or what.
I am heartbroken...
When I was a kid I used to stay up late on the weekend to watch Creature Features with Bob Wilkins. It remains one of my fondest memories. Late nights hanging out out with my brother Frank and uncles Mike and Juan watching Godzilla or some martian movie. Bob was the coolest guy ever. He was so laid back he seemed nearly comatose with mellowness.
Sadly Bob died earlier this year and I have been, until now, unable to blog about it.
Bob, thank you for making such a deep and wonderful impression on my childhood.
You were the coolest guy I new and I looked forward to hanging with you every Friday.
You are sorely missed.
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