For Jessica...

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. Enjoy!


I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.


If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.


We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.


War does not determine who is right — only who is left.


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.


I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!


I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.


Some cause happiness wherever they go.. Others, whenever they go.


There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.


I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.


I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.


You’re never too old to learn something stupid.


To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.


A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.