Every time I see a news story about early humans mating with Neanderthals or other near-monkey species, I wonder if there were any species that our ancestors didn't try to have sex with. And how did the conversation go just prior to the first pre-human deciding to get some Neanderthal action?

Pre-human 1: "Hey, that creature by the watering hole has two legs. I'd totally do it."

Pre-human 2: "It's all yours. I've got my eye on a tiny horse with a limp."

I'm no Darwin, but I have a few observations of my own. My first observation is that the only species that have survived to modern times are the ones able to fend off unwanted advances from horny pre-humans. Take the giraffe, for example. Its long legs keep its naughty bits well above the pelvic thrusting level of our ancestors. Then you have your cheetahs that can outrun us, your fish that can hide underwater, your birds that can fly away, your zebras that can kick, and so on. But the poor Neanderthals and other slow-moving bipeds all got banged out of existence by our horny ancestors.

I have a hypothesis that several million years ago just about anything could mate and have offspring with anything else. For example, the modern beaver is probably the offspring of an early human and a bear that was slow to snap out of hibernation. That's just a guess. But the next time you see a beaver standing on his back legs eating a fish, try to imagine him as a buck-toothed tourist at a sushi place. It's easier than it should be.

Contrast the open-minded attitude of our ancestors to our picky modern selves. Now humans won't even date someone who cheers for the wrong sports team or goes to the wrong church. And we don't want our mates to be sporting any hair below the chin. Dating outside your species is totally frowned upon. I think maybe we've lost something. On the plus side, your dog appreciates your willingness to have a platonic relationship. But he still gets nervous when you give him a bath. There's a lot of bad history there.

For Jessica...

Combat Yard Gnomes ! ! ! !


CEO Eats World's Hottest Pepper - Watch more Funny Videos


Here's an old-school dial-up modem slowed down 700% , becoming an epic soundscape of terrifying drones and robotic wails, punctuated by tsunamis of static.

For All the Parents Out There...

My lovely sister is a teacher and this is a very common occurence for her and she's heard all of these excuses and more.
I tell her often that I do not envy her profession. I want to think that I would have been a good teacher but I don't have the patience it takes to keep from tossing some dumb assed kid in to the hallway nor to put up with idiotic parents.

I try to treat my kids teachers as professionals in a hard job that they love.

For Rich and Finn...

At my office, we think it’s hilarious to fill people’s cubes with balloons (and then our facilities people get upset). At Legoland, they think it’s hilarious to replace your car with one made of little plastic bricks. They win. It took 201,076 Legos (that’s 2,934 pounds’ worth) to build this Volvo replica.

For Rich...

Happy 1st Day of Summer ! ! ! !

Sheelah, Ari and Ali playing in the pool.

MUST HAVE ! ! ! ! ! ! !


Go The F*** To Sleep...

Go the F*** to Sleep is a hilarious bedtime story for parents. Adam Mansbach captures the exasperated thoughts parents have when the kids just won’t go to sleep.
According to the publisher’s summary:
California Book Award-winning author Adam Mansbach’s profane, affectionate, and radically honest verses perfectly capture the familiar – and unspoken – tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night. In the process, he opens up a conversation about parenting, granting us permission to admit our frustrations and laugh at their absurdity.
When I first saw the book a few weeks ago I thought Samuel L. Jackson would be the perfect narrator. After all, a similar line of profane exasperation was the highlight of “Snakes on a Plane.”
Apparently, I was not alone. As you can guess from the title of this story, Samuel L. Jackson has recorded an audio edition of the book.
Jackson explained in the narration before reading the text of the book:
I was anxious to do the audio read of this book because my agent has twins and he gave me the book and I read it and I fell out laughing. I remember all those times when I did read to my daughter when she was that age. Everybody tells you reading stories will put kids to sleep, but it never works. It didn’t in my house.
For a short time, you can download a free copy of Samuel L. Jackson reading Go the F*** to Sleep from Audible’s store on A video of Jackson recording the audio book can be seen on The Onion’s news wire.
I thought Mr. Jackson was the perfect choice to be the narrator. Who would you like to hear read the story?

Crazy Awesome ! ! !

The Alamo Drafthouse Cinema enforces old-fashioned theater etiquette. They have two rules: no talking during a movie, and no phone usage. After a woman was ejected from the theater for texting during a film, she left an angry voice mail. The theater promptly turned her message into a public service announcement.


GREENSBURG, La. (AP) — Two teenagers were seriously hurt when they were thrown from a carnival ride during a high school fair in Greensburg.

The state Fire Marshal's office said the two had been on a ride called "the Zipper" — described as a huge oval frame that spins like a Ferris wheel with free -flipping cars. They were being removed from the ride when it went in motion, causing them to be thrown from the car and fall 15 feet.

Maj. Michael Martin of the St. Helena Parish Sheriff's Office said the brother and sister, ages 13 and 15, were hospitalized in Baton Rouge after the Saturday evening accident. The Fire Marshal's office said Sunday that the two were in stable condition.

No mechanical problems were found in an inspection of the ride.


Disney Wants Trademark For 'Seal Team 6'.

Disney has come up with an idea to possibly capitalize on what are now famous military heroes, Seal Team 6.

The elite group within the U.S. Navy SEALs are responsible for killing Osama bin Laden.

According to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, Disney Enterprises Inc., submitted three applications for the trademark two days after bin Laden was killed.

In the application, the trademark would cover clothes, footwear, toys, games, Christmas ornaments, snow globes and other items.


A few months ago, the Federal Communications Commission approved Comcast's purchase of NBC by a vote of 4-1. At the time, many people joked that the commissioners were all just securing themselves a gig at Comcast for their post-FCC careers. Today, that joke became less funny after Comcast confirmed it has indeed hired one of the four commissioners who approved the controversial deal.

After FCC Commissioner Meredith Attwell Baker's FCC term expires at the end of June, she will move over to Kabletown as Senior Vice President of Government Affairs, NBCUniversal.

"Commissioner Baker is one of the nation's leading authorities on communications policy and we're thrilled she's agreed to head the government relations operations for NBCUniversal," the President Comcast/NBCUniversal for Washington, DC, says. "Meredith's executive branch and business experience along with her exceptional relationships in Washington bring Comcast and NBCUniversal the perfect combination of skills."

Here's what the commish had to say: "I've been privileged to serve in government for the past seven years under President Obama at the FCC and President Bush at NTIA, I'm excited to embark on a new phase of my career with Comcast and NBCUniversal."

(Note: The press release for this announcement did not include a photo of the dump truck of money being back up to Atwell's front door.)

Consumer advocates are not too thrilled about this. Craig Aaron of the Free Press writes:

Less than four months after Commissioner Baker voted to approve Comcast's takeover of NBC Universal, she's reportedly departing the FCC to lobby for Comcast-NBC. This is just the latest -- though perhaps most blatant -- example of a so-called public servant cashing in at a company she is supposed to be regulating.

As recently as March, Commissioner Baker gave a speech lamenting that review of the Comcast-NBC deal 'took too long.' What we didn't know then was that she was in such a rush to start picking out the drapes in her new corner office.

It's a WAR ! ! ! ! ! !

WASHINGTON – Osama bin Laden was unarmed when Navy SEALs burst into his room and shot him to death, the White House said Tuesday, a change in the official account that raised questions about whether the U.S. ever planned to capture the terrorist leader alive.


Who cares? Not me. None of the civilians in the 9/11 attacks were armed.
Capturing him would have elevated his status in his twisted world.

He's dead. Quickly. Buried in accordance with Muslim tradition.

He got more than he deserved.

I would have cremated him and spread his ashes on a pig farm.

Had I had a shot on an unarmed Bin Laden I would have taken it without hesitation, malice or guilt.

He was a dog to be put down.

Had I the same shot on Hitler, same thing.

I am a liberal.

I would have shot his ass dead armed or not.

For Rich...

How to Deliver a Baby in a Pinch
1. Don’t panic. Your wife is under a lot of stress right now. Standing there havy cavy or running around the house yelling like a little boy will not help her. Ease her stress by remaining completely calm.

2. Assess the situation. During labor your wife will experience contractions—the periodic tightening and relaxing of her uterine muscle. You’ll know your wife is experiencing one by the looks of discomfort on her face. If your wife’s contractions are less than two minutes apart, the baby is on its way, and you probably don’t have time to get to the doctor. If you can see the top of the baby’s head in the vagina, you definitely don’t have time.

3. Call for help. Just because you read something on the internet or watched Patches give birth to puppies when you were eight, does not make you an expert on delivering babies. Call an ambulance (or if you were planning on giving birth at home anyway, your midwife). Even if the baby comes before the ambulance gets there, someone can talk you through the process.

4. Get Mom comfortable. Because you’ve seen hundreds of television and movie births, your first reaction will probably be to have Mom lie on her back. This position isn’t actually the most comfortable or effective for delivery. If space is available, have her get on her hands and knees. This alleviates some of the pressure on her back. Some women also find it comfortable to stand or squat when giving birth, positions which allow gravity to aid in the birthing process. Just let nature dictate what she does. If Mom is in one of these vertical positions, keep an eye on the baby so he or she doesn’t squirm out into a free fall. If space isn’t available (say, in the back of a taxicab), the traditional on-the-back position will suffice.

5. Scrub up and prepare the birthing area. You don’t want to risk giving the baby or Mom an infection by handling them with your grubby paws. Wash your hands and arms with hot water and plenty of antibacterial soap. Birth is a messy process, so make sure you place clean sheets or a shower curtain under Mom. You’ll also need to have some clean towels handy to wipe off and wrap up the newly arrived bundle of joy. If you’re in a taxi, you can use your shirt.

6. Watch and guide. Nature is pretty dang amazing. For the most part the baby doesn’t need much assistance to make it into the world. Avoid barking instructions for your wife to push and breathe. You’ll just stress her out and cause her to possibly push when she shouldn’t. Let her push when it feels natural. When the head makes it out of the vagina, the baby will turn to one side. That’s completely normal. He or she is just trying to get in the best position to make an escape. Simply place your hand under the baby’s head and gently guide it downward. Don’t try to speed the process along by pulling on the baby. Just gently guide the shoulders out, one at a time. As the baby makes his entrance into the world, be ready to receive him; babies are slippery!

7. Rub the baby down. Take that clean towel and gently rub the baby down to clean off the fluid and blood. The rubbing will also help stimulate the baby so it starts breathing. Wipe any fluids out of its nose and mouth. If you have a straw, take it and suction out the fluids by inserting the straw into the nostril and then placing your finger on the open end. No need for holding it upside down and slapping its tush. That practice went away along with polio and celebratory cigars in the waiting room. Just place the baby, skin to skin, on Mom’s chest and cover the new arrival with a towel or shirt.

8. Don’t cut or tie the cord. Wait for a trained professional to do this.

9. Deliver the placenta. About fifteen to thirty minutes after the baby is delivered, Mom will expel the placenta, the sack that’s been nurturing your baby for the past five months. When you see the placenta start coming out, don’t pull on it to make it come out faster; just let it slip out naturally. If it’s not coming out right away, you can massage the mother’s abdomen to help it along.

10. Get medical attention ASAP. By now the ambulance should be there. If not, get Mom and new baby to the hospital as soon as possible so doctors can take care of the umbilical cord and examine the goods.

11. Bully for you! You’re a dad. And you didn’t even have to boil any water!


For Cheryl...


For Michelle...


New Shoes For Brad...

Best Wedding Pic...

Sex is No Accident...

Dad Stuff...

The terrorist leader Osama bin Laden is (as you may have heard) dead, and few would argue that the world is not a better place for his absence. That being said, however, and whatever your stance on capital punishment is, it is still a strange and somewhat unsettling thing to be cheering the death of another human being. I think most parents want their children to grow up with a respect for death — to acknowledge that it comes for everyone in time, and that we should in general take no more pleasure in someone else’s death than we would want someone to take in our own.

How, then, do you explain to those same children the cheering, the rejoicing at bin Laden’s death? It’s no easy task, because you first have to teach them about evil, which is tough in itself because if you’re honest you have to admit that no human being is ever purely evil or purely good. It’s hard enough to admit that to yourself — that you actually have something in common with detestable mass-murderers like bin Laden, let alone monsters like Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Pol Pot — that it’s extremely difficult to get kids to understand it. Don’t worry to admit that you don’t know the answer to the question “Why?” — or use whatever explanation fits your religious beliefs (if any) to fill in the blanks. Make sure you make it clear (or at least try to) that, whatever Yoda might have to say on the subject, it’s not negative thoughts that make us evil, but rather what we choose to do with those thoughts.

And of course you need to tell them about 9/11, if you haven’t already. Stick to the basic facts — now isn’t the time to go into a lot of detail, because you’d run the risk of overwhelming your kids with information — and especially note that nearly 3,000 innocent people were killed that day, and that al-Qaeda was the group responsible for it all. Tell them that we know this to a certainty, because members of al-Qaeda have not only admitted their culpability but have actually bragged about it.

“All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.” – Clarence Darrow
Then explain what’s happened since then in the hunt for bin Laden: that it’s been nearly ten years since 9/11, more than ten since the USS Cole bombing, and more than twelve since the U.S. embassy bombings in East Africa, and for all that time the U.S. military has been hunting for Osama bin Laden so that he could be brought to justice for his crimes and so that al-Qaeda would lose its most important member. And then explain that, last night, President Obama announced to the nation and the world that, at his direction, last night a team of brave, elite members of the U.S. military acted on intelligence information about bin Laden’s location and attacked, killing bin Laden in the process. Whether you should mention the newly-released information that this mission’s goal was explicitly to kill bin Laden, not try to capture him is a dicier question — my advice would be not to mention it unless asked about it.

Now back to explaining the joy at bin Laden’s passing, and why it’s OK: There’s been a quotation making the rounds on Twitter and Facebook since the announcement last night of bin Laden’s death, though it’s been misattributed to Mark Twain and misquoted to boot: the real quotation, by famed lawyer Clarence Darrow, is (with the line before it that improves it) “All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.” That really sums it up nicely: You don’t have to think that someone deserved to die to be pleased at their passing. I told my kids, truthfully, that I cheer for bin Laden’s death not because a human being is dead but because a man who in my mind was far more evil than good, and who was responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent people, will never be able to hurt anyone ever again. And that is surely a good thing.



This is building markets and promoting the free flow of money and services.

Task Rabbit

It’s a job service. You post a job, like “Bring popcicles and medicine to my sick friend” and a price you are willing to pay. Then someone (who has had a background check) does the job. It’s brilliant for both sides. You can make money being a “runner”. You can pay someone else to do something while you do something else. Anything that promotes the free flow of money between the ambitious and hardworking is a good thing in my book.

Thanks Drewby

For Rich...

After several years of selling rifles and ammunition at only one-third of its stores in the U.S., Walmart has decided to introduce the products back to store shelves in nearly half of its 3,600+ stores.

"We made a business decision to sell them in certain stores because we have realized the appeal was perhaps broader than we thought," a Walmart rep tells the Wall Street Journal. "But we are committed to doing it responsibly as possible, as always, in compliance with all applicable local, state and federal laws."

The Journal reports that most of the Walmarts where rifles are being reintroduced are in rural markets, some of these stores are in more urbanized areas like Spokane, WA, and Albuquerque.

The move comes as the nation's largest retailer attempts to recover from seven straight quarters of declining sales. Walmart has already announced that it is cutting back on the amount of floor space dedicated to electronics in an attempt to get back to selling products like hunting and fishing gear, low-cost clothing, and fabric.

MUST HAVE ! ! ! ! ! ! !

For Jessica...

ur long national nightmare is over. Dan McKeague, a sales manager from Minneapolis, received a personal phone call from Aflac CEO Dan Amos informing him that he had been chosen from a pool of over 12,500 hopefuls to replace the terminated Gilbert Gottfried.

Hhappy 74th birthday to George Takei...



This morning I read a news item saying that some folks at NBC think Trump might be pretending to run for president to boost ratings. The story noted that ratings for his TV show are up 20% lately. I laughed out loud because sometimes I forget that at least half the country doesn't realize he's just screwing with the media.

The magnificent part of this whole thing is that he's putting no effort whatsoever into concealing his prank. That's what I love about the guy. He knows that no level of clownery in a field of clowns will single him out as the one clown that doesn't really mean it.

Take Trump's recent empathy with the birthers. That's the most brilliant part of his plan. It's a dead giveaway that he's just screwing with the media, and it has the added benefit of concentrating most of their attention on that one trivial issue. He doesn't even need to study up on the other issues. While Romney is writing position papers, Trump is golfing.

If you are not a student of practical jokes, you might not know they have a specific formula. A proper practical joke is more than a surprise or a lie. The magic part of the prank formula involves leaving enormous clues that are obvious to everyone but the target of the prank.

He's a graduate of the Wharton School, which means his intelligence is in the genius range. He's a world-renowned businessman with attention to details. He's also famous for a trademark form of self-parody that has boosted his brand for decades. There isn't the slightest chance that this man hasn't looked at the birther evidence. He knows the President of the United States is American. That's the hiding in plain sight part of this prank. It isn't the least bit credible that Trump thinks the birther issue is real.

Some of you are thinking he's gone too far with the joke. Or maybe he went too far when he said we should take Iraq's oil by force as payment for a war they didn't ask for. This is not a man who thinks he might someday debate serious politicians in a public forum. This is a man who is winking at the camera and daring you to see the obvious.

Normally I wouldn't call out a prankster while the prank is in play. But this is a special case because the people who think he's serious have made up their minds. In order for them to accept that this is a prank, they'd have to accept that they can't tell the difference between a real candidate and one who is yanking their chains. Brains are not wired for that sort of 180 turn. In the history of humankind, no one has ever said, "I thought I was a brilliant observer of politics but this new information proves that my brain is the size of a tiny mouse turd." Trump's prank literally can't be exposed by anyone but him.

Trump is smart enough to never admit that his presidential aspirations are no more than marketing. To admit the trick would damage his brand. But he has no need to ever expose the prank. Trump, the magnificent bastard, has figured out a way to have his cake and eat it too. The people who are in on the joke find it entertaining. The people who will never know it's a joke have raised their opinion of him so much that he's the leading Republican presidential contender. And his TV ratings are up, so from a marketing standpoint it's working.

Granted, many people are turned off by Trump's pomposity. He knows that. But he also knows that success doesn't come from bland acceptance by the entire world. It comes from the ability to inspire the few. He's nailing that part. I just spent my morning writing about him.

The other genius part of his marketing is that he knows people are influenced by repetition more than reason. The attention he gets for his alleged presidential ambitions allow him to tell you over and over again that all things Trump are amazing. That part of the plan is working too.


Shut the front door and hand me a bib and some wet wipes to wipe the flavored dust from my trembling mouth! Word on the street is Taco Bell is taking a logical, tasty step in testing out nacho-flavored Doritos as shells.

A video has been making the rounds on the interwebs showing what appears to be a customer testing out the aforementioned marriage of snacky crunch and fast food guilty pleasure, dubbed "Doritos Tacos Locos," all the way back in July 2010. How are we just now finding out about this?

The new fake-cheesy crunchy iteration of fast food taco is said to be popping up in various locations like Wichita, Kansas and Toledo, Ohio. Get your ears to the ground, readers! Have you seen and sampled this elusive wonder? And when, pray tell, will the Cool Ranch version arrive?

For Domo...

Happy Yuri's Day!!!

On April 12th, 1961, 50 years ago today, Yuri Gagarin {wiki} became the first human to go into space. Today is also the premiere of a full-length movie First Orbit. In a unique collaboration with the European Space Agency, and the Expedition 26/27 crew of the International Space Station, we have created a new film of what Gagarin first witnessed fifty years ago.

By matching the orbital path of the Space Station, as closely as possible, to that of Gagarin’s Vostok 1 spaceship and filming the same vistas of the Earth through the new giant cupola window, astronaut Paolo Nespoli, and documentary film maker Christopher Riley, have captured a new digital high definition view of the Earth below, half a century after Gagarin first witnessed it.

Weaving these new views together with historic, recordings of Gagarin from the time, (subtitled in Englsih) and an original score by composer Philip Sheppard, we have created a spellbinding film to share with people around the world on this historic anniversary.


I can sooo see Noah and Aria joining the Dark side.


WASHINGTON – The House on Thursday voted to end federal funding to National Public Radio. Republican supporters said it made good fiscal sense, and Democratic opponents called it an ideological attack that would deprive local stations of access to programs such as "Car Talk" and "All Things Considered."

The bill, passed 228-192 along mainly partisan lines, would bar federal funding of NPR and prohibit local public stations from using federal money to pay NPR dues and buy its programs. The prospects of support in the Democratic-controlled Senate are slim. Seven Republicans broke ranks to vote against the bill.

NPR received almost $5 million in federal funding in fiscal year 2010. In that year its revenues also included $2.8 million in dues and $63 million in programming fees from local stations, its largest single source of revenue. Under the bill, stations would still be allowed to buy NPR programs using private funds and use federal funds to produce their own programs.

Leprechaun Traps...

Welcome to the Great Leprechaun Massacree of 2011. Ali and Ari set several traps for the gold hoarding leprechauns in anticipation of morning riches.
Ali and Ari plotting against the leprechauns. Please note the use of little gren men as decoys. Leprechauns, like Marines, never leave a man behind.
Diaper box full of sticky tape to snare the wee little beasties.

Green Lightsaber trap that lulls them into a false sense of Irish security.
As Robin pointed out it also has the benefit of resembling a bar light ! ! ! !

Lots of traps!!!

Only Fur Coat Acceptable by PETA...

For Darrell...

A six pack holder for your bike ! ! !

It's NOAH ! ! ! !

Thanks Dave ! ! !