Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off--
After I laugh my ass off!!
9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!
Friendship is like peeing your pants,
Everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.
from bits and pieces
I'm done. I'm finished. I can't take the stupidity anymore, so I'm leaving and I'm taking my website with me. As of Tuesday, Feb 10, 2009, T-Shirt Hell will be no more.
No, I'm not selling out to some douchebag corporate entity. No, we're not being sued by any of the over 40 companies that have sent us cease and desists over the years. No, I'm not going to jail (yet) and no, it's not because of the economy. Although, the recent dip in sales certainly does make the idea easier to accept, even though we still sell over 3000 shirts a week.
I started this company in June of 2001, nearly 8 years ago, with the intention of producing the best satirical, the most controversial, the funniest t-shirts on the internet. Generally speaking, I feel I've accomplished that and am satisfied with what we've put out. I made a shitload of dough along the way. I've done cocaine off the better body parts of supermodels. I've even raped and killed a mountain panda in the hills of Shaanxi. But these perks are besides the point.
I just don't feel like dealing with idiots anymore. I'll give you an example of the kind of misguided morons we deal with on a regular basis at T-Shirt Hell. We released a new shirt a couple weeks ago that says "It's not gay if you beat them up afterwards". I will not explain the irony or the social commentary of the slogan because anyone with half a brain should be able to handle that on their own. Problem is, we've been besieged with emails from angry people complaining about the "fact" that the shirt is hate speech or that we're promoting gay bashing and should take it down immediately.
"I can't even believe people buy this shit. Do you realize your supporting a hate crime? That makes you feel better about yourself? Wow you need a life. We're all human beings and you can't except it."
"It's Not Gay:If You Beat Them Up After"?? That is highly inappropriate and very very morally wrong. I will be advising everyone I know to avoid buying anything from your site until shirts like this are removed. In this world people are fighting for equality and a chance to be themselves without fear of being beat up because of who they are, yet here is an established website promoting hate and violence. You all should be ashamed of yourselves."
Now, I can't say I'm surprised we're getting hate mail from people who have nothing better to do than to start half-assed campaigns because of their lazy, just enough passion for an email, ideals towards a misguided cause. It happened when we did our first really controversial shirt, "The School Shootings Tour", it happened when we did our "What About All The Good Things Hitler Did" shirt, it happened when we did our "Arrest Black Babies Before They Become Criminals" shirt (boy did it happen then). It used to happen all the time when we did more social commentary and didn't give a fuck about what anyone thought and did shirts that did not leave anyone out. Unfortunately, as a concern for the safety of my employees, we don't push the envelope as much anymore...and I can't say I feel good about having caved in.
Anyway, rather than cater to the masses, I'm just going to stop making shirts. It's not enjoyable anymore and I have enough money to move on to something more rewarding. Maybe I'll start my own hooker farm or maybe I'll practice sleeping. Whatever I decide to do, it will be better than this.
Attention any venture capitalists or independent investors/business assholes who are about to inquire about purchasing T-Shirt Hell. Don't. You won't do the company justice and I won't take that chance. I'm putting it to sleep. It's over.
That's right, I'm crazy. I'm pulling the plug on a company I could have sold for millions. Why in the fucking world would I do something so stupid? Because I can. I don't care about money. This is the way I've always done things...my way.
So, to all the kickass motherfuckers who supported us and REALLY got what we were trying to do, thank you (no, not you, you racist idiots who thought we actually had racist intentions and no, not you, you dumb as a stump fucks who just think any shirt with the word "fuck" on it is as right as rain). Thanks to all the people who contributed to my vice fund and at the same time helped make a funny statement about the world today.
As a final farewell, I'm going to bring back some of the top selling Worse Than Hell shirts as a fuck you to those who forced me to remove them. To those who are offended by them and to those who think I'm racist, promoting rape, a nazi, homophobic or just the world's biggest asshole...well, at least you think I'm something, which means I've achieved what I wanted.
Thanks to Gary, Mika, Jacob, Greg, Bob, the black lady who writes our newsletter, and to everyone else who was part of T-Shirt Hell. Time to move on to even greater things. I'll miss you (by miss, I mean, it's going to suck not being able to give you my excellent reach arounds when you least expect them).
Fuck you,-Sunshine Megatron
What did you do today?
(CNN) -- A Navy helicopter whipped the waves as the U.S. Coast Guard closed in on the suspected drug traffickers abandoning their homemade submarine off the coast of Ecuador.
The men didn't go down with the ship, but any evidence did.
When authorities confront "drug subs" on the high seas, drug busts turn into rescue operations, the Coast Guard says.
In the past, no evidence meant no case. But a new law aims to change that.
The Drug Trafficking Vessel Interdiction Act of 2008 was signed into law in September. The statute makes it a felony, punishable by up to 20 years in prison, to travel through international waters in the vessels, technically known as self-propelled semisubmersibles.
Drug subs come in several forms and are built of fiberglass, wood and steel in the swamps along the west coast of Colombia, under the cover of heavy foliage, Coast Guard officials say.
Despite costing upwards of $2 million, the vessels are generally abandoned at sea after delivering their cargo, according to the Coast Guard. But with cargo values estimated to range from $200 million to $400 million, the investment pays big dividends.
They are hard to see, rising less than 2 feet (little more than a half-meter) above the waterline, and can be 80 feet (24 meters) long, large enough to move 10 to 15 tons (about 9,000 to 14,000 kilograms) of cocaine at a time. Federal officials estimate drug subs now transport about one-third of all cocaine that moves by sea from South America to the United States.
Detecting the vessels is nearly impossible for law enforcement even with advancements in sonar, radar and infrared technology. Catching them involves a combination of good intelligence and luck, and often relies on the use of helicopters.
Once caught, suspected smugglers often "scuttle," or sink, the subs, sending both vessel and cocaine to the bottom of the sea.
Though maritime law requires drug-trafficking crews in distress to be rescued, the crews are usually released without prosecution, because of a lack of physical evidence.
But under the new law, no physical evidence is necessary. Just being on board a drug sub is proof enough.
A dozen suspected cocaine smugglers taken into custody between December 31 and January 8 could be among the first prosecuted under the new law. The cases are expected to develop over the next several weeks, according to a spokesman for the U.S. attorney's office. Besides a stiff prison sentence, suspects could be fined up to $1 million if convicted.
The suspects were taken in three separate drug sub incidents in which alleged traffickers sank the vessels and cargo. The first came December 31, some 200 miles (322 kilometers) off the coast of Ecuador. Another vessel was stopped January 7 about 550 miles off the coast of Ecuador. The most recent arrests were made January 8, about 150 miles offshore from the Ecuador-Colombia border."As we go through the first prosecutions associated with this, we are actually kind of paving new ground here on how it is we have to prepare cases," said Adm. Thad Allen, commandant of the U.S. Coast Guard.
"I think you can see where the planned operation of one of these vehicles on the high seas as a crime in and of itself significantly, significantly simplifies the prosecution for us," he said.
The new law, while untested, appears likely to pass constitutional muster.
"This is a unique statue probably born out of the frustration of federal officials trying to prove criminal activity on part of the drug traffickers," said Robert Silbering, former special narcotics prosecutor for New York.
"This just throws another obstacle in the way of traffickers."
"The idea here is we don't have to catch you with the drugs; if we catch you with the vessel, we are going to prosecute you for that," said David A. Moran, a professor at the University of Michigan Law School.
But as the law evolves, so do the traffickers' tactics, Allen said.
"The latest adaptation," he noted, "is the introduction of liquid cocaine and smaller loads on faster boats hugging the coastline and trying to avoid us by staying in the territorial sea of another nation."
I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.
I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their ass, doing drugs, while I work.
Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
I guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out.'
Thanks Jim - when we goin' fishing?
Legend has it that a certain college philosophy professor asked one question on his final exam.
He picked up a chair, put it on his desk and wrote on the board, “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
The students dug deep and wrote like crazy for the whole exam period, some of them churning out thirty pages of heady philosophical debate and logic.
But only one student earned an A and he wrote for only a few seconds.
His paper read in full, “What chair?”
from Bits & Pieces by Jonco
A Cabela’s associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It’s a good all around combination; and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is
no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?”
He replies,” Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
…from Bits & Pieces by Jonco
More pink slips, pay freezes and other hits are expected to slam workers in the months ahead as companies desperately look for ways to survive.
"We're just seeing the tip of the iceberg — the big firms," said Rebecca Braeu, economist at John Hancock Financial Services. "There's certainly other firms beneath them that will lay off workers as quickly or even quicker."
Looking ahead, economists predicted a net loss of at least 2 million jobs — possibly more — this year even if President Barack Obama's $825 billion package of increased government spending and tax cuts is enacted. Last year, the economy lost a net 2.6 million jobs, the most since 1945, though the labor force has grown significantly since then.
The unemployment rate, now at a 16-year high of 7.2 percent, could hit 10 percent or higher later this year or early next year, under some analysts' projections.
The other night I couldn't get to sleep. The problem was that I was sharing the bed with a wife, two cats, and a dog. The only position left for me would have looked like the chalk outline at a murder scene. I decided that one of the mammals needed to be moved. I was groggy from sleep deprivation, but even in that debilitated state I knew the wrong answers were (in this orders): wife, cat 1, cat 2. A good night of sleep isn't worth a bite wound.I figured moving the dog was my best chance of not regretting this plan. She's a 12-pound toy Australian Shepherd and always in a good mood. When she's sleepy you can mold her into any position you like, Gumby-style. My idea was to bring her up toward my chest, with her back to my stomach, spoon position. Then I could turn sideways, insert my special small knee pillow between my legs and be good to go.It was totally dark so I was operating by touch. I reached down and pulled little Snickers up to my chest, adjusted my blankets and pillows, and started settling in for a luxurious snooze. I love it when a plan comes together like that.Few things are more soothing than sleeping with a warm puppy. I decided to use the dog as sort of a little pillow for my snout. It felt wonderful to snuggle my nose in between her ear and her neck area. She was totally unconscious so she took any position I assigned. It was great, but perhaps one more adjustment would make it perfect. I decided to put one arm around her and slip my hand under her head, just to get extra comfy. But there was just one problem.HER HEAD WAS MISSING! I was panicked, feeling around in the dark for where she must have contorted her head to make it so far from where I knew it had to be. I slipped my hand under my pillow and felt around, nothing. I checked to see if I was accidentally lying on her head: negative. Her head just wasn't there. In my half-asleep state, I worried that a horrible accident had happened during the night, possibly involving a circular saw. I realize that sounds unlikely to you, but keep in mind that my own snoring doesn't wake me, and I did have a headless dog.I'm sure many of you readers are ahead of me on this story. Eventually I realized her head was on the other side of her body, exactly where it belonged. I had been snuggling my face into my dog's ass.So that's how my 2009 started. I'm really hoping it isn't some sort of omen.
from Dilbert.com Blog
Allow people to carry a concealed weapon without a permit;
Greatly strengthen self-defense protections in the state;
Allow people to display their gun to deter an attack;
Allow people to use a gun whenever at risk of physical harm;
And, in shooting incidents in which the person who fired the gun claimed self defense, require the state to prove that it was not.
I don’t know the specifics of the bill, and some of the points here don’t make a lot of sense. Like number five. Isn’t that how proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt already works? I would have concerns about 3 and 4. Define physical harm? What constitutes an attack? If a kid throws a snowball at me, am I justified in shooting him? If another driver shouts out his windows, “I’m goign to kick your ass,” is that a lethal force scenario? I’d have to see specifics to really understand, because I doubt the journalists really do. But I definitely whole heartedly support points 1 and 2. There are circumstances I would support 3 and 4 as well, but the law probaby already accounts for force disparity. Nontheless, I don’t think a person should have to risk concussion making their head a punching bag for some drunken lout before defending themselves.
from Snowflakes in Hell
The brilliant use of the format dovetails perfectly with the beer's brand identity. “Miller High Life is all about high quality and great value, so it wouldn’t make sense for this brand to pay $3 million for a 30-second ad,” said High Life senior brand manager Kevin Oglesby, in a press release. “Just like our consumers, High Life strives to make smart choices. One second should be plenty of time to remind viewers that Miller High Life is common sense in a bottle.”
I've been predicting for the past year that MHL was poised to become the PBR of the recession, perhaps this campaign will cement it. Wendel also has a bunch of clips on YouTube, many of which are much longer than 1 second.
1SecondAd [Official Site]Miller High Life will have 1-second Super Bowl ad [Business Journal]
I agree I would have ripped the guy a new one.
I usually check Gun News Daily, well, daily, and scroll down to the Only in California section immediately. If nothing is posted I feel better. However, under the Atlas Shrugged heading on GND today they had California Educated: 'The Young and the Silly'. I'm not going to fisk it or discuss it or anything, it's so moronic. One thing I noticed though, is how there seems to be so many folks around these days who have literally no experience with a subject, yet are awfully damned sure their opinion, and only their opinion, is the absolutely right one. There is so little critical thinking it's scary. A few years ago I was returning a video to the rental place and the guy at the counter asked me if I rode a motorcycle. I'm thinking, what gave it it away? The leathers, the boots, the helmet, bugs in my teeth, what? So I said yes and he launches into a diatribe about lane splitters (or lane sharing). It totally pissed him off, although he never said exactly why. The counter guy then says the next time he sees a bike coming up lane splitting he's going to open his door (we call it dooring) and crash him. I was stunned. Stultified. Horrified. It took a moment to recover from the shock. I flipped my helmet around to weapon configuration (holding it by the chin guard from the inside, way handy in a fight you didn't see coming, btw) and asked the counter guy if I should just kill him now. Now counter guy is shocked. How could he not see that coming?
I hit his page and thieve cool stuff all the time.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch." "It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center ............
Credit for this one goes to Melissa -
from Knuckledraggin my life away - thanks Ken!!!
An applicant to the Bloomfield, New Jersey’s Sheriff’s Office was being interviewed for the job.
The Deputy doing the interview says: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six crack heads, and a rabbit. “
“Why the rabbit?”
“Great attitude,” says the Deputy. “When can you start?”
from Bits & Pieces
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted a strikingly beautiful woman. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
Thanks Knuckledraggin my life
For Sara our surfing sweetheart.
I had dinner with the coolest people I know.
Saying 'dinner' just doesn't cover it. It's like calling the Mona Lisa a doodle or using the word intercourse.
It just doesn't describe how sublime the experience can be.
It should be called 'the fabulously awe inspiring invasion of taste commandos laying waste to your senses and destroying your mind with flavors not of this world'
In other words, I know some people who can cook and occasionally get to take advantage of it.
It makes me so happy.
We had Cocovan (my new favorite food ! ! ) I couldn't put my fork down and wanted to lick the plate. Don't judge me - you know you've felt that way in the past. If not, you need to come eat with us. It will change your life--I promise you.
I felt like such a glutton and I would have eaten every bit of it had people not been watching. I am sure my dog was at home feeling a disturbance in the force. It was that good.
Before dinner we had my favorite champagne (sparkling wine for those who need to dot the t's and cross the i's) it was a Roederer (say rowderererrer five times fast).
I'm not a snob of any type (yes I am) but I gotta say I really don't want to drink any other. Lightly fruity and delicate are words that spring to mind.
We were celebrating the Old Man's impending trip to Panama. He is going to seek out a place to lay his weary bones during the current cold spell that is gripping the northern hemisphere.
Good luck Old Man.
I left my wee beasty there overnight to field trip with her shockingly pretty cousin to high school for the day. The girl gets prettier every time I see her and has a poise and self confidence that will probably drive her dad over the brink.
I'm glad he bought a shotgun and I'll gladly wield the shovel. Anyone want in on the alibi portion of our evil plan?
So good luck to Robin and the beasty. Have fun and be careful. Like her dad says "this is the best form of birth control".
I am eagerly awaiting an email with the recipe from last nights adventure. When it comes I'll consider sharing it here so you can share in my delight.
Maybe the vegetarian elves will pack it up the leftovers and send them in a care package.
One can hope right?
So it looks like Barack Obama may have found a cabinet position for Bill Clinton as well.
stole this from deaddog...
Layoffs at Oracle began on Friday 1/9, but so far rumors abound while hard facts and figures are difficult to come by. Shocking.
In an effort to sort the wheat from the chaff, here’s the latest separation of fact and fiction:
If you have any additional information send it our way.
Oracle Layoff Facts:
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know.
P.S. Don't lose your sense of humor during these challenging times!
My wife asked, just now, why do we learn about these things on the internet?
I suppose they have to keep it under wraps to protect the almighty shareholder.
It is sad that the shareholder is the one and only concern of modern corporations.
That's why PeopleSoft was sold. The shareholders saw a chance to make a buck. Billions of bucks. This is the reason the housing bubble got so out of control. Big fast return on shareholder investment. What ever happened to taking care of the employee or doing what's right for the company? Or dare I say it what's right for your country?
Corps are legally required to do what is right by the shareholder.
Employees be damned.
Well, good luck everyone...
NEW YORK (Reuters) – Oracle Corp. has trimmed its workforce, but not as much as some people had speculated, The Wall Street Journal reported on Tuesday.
Citing people familiar with the matter, the newspaper said the software giant cut around 500 positions in its North American sales and consulting businesses on Friday.
The Redwood Shores, California-based company had 33,526 employees in the Americas at the end of November and 86,657 globally, the report said.
An Oracle spokeswoman declined to comment to the newspaper and could not immediately be reached by Reuters.
The Journal said the Internet has been buzzing with rumors of cuts of up to 10 percent of the company's workforce, a move that would affect thousands of people. Some analysts have put the number in the hundreds.
The Christmas lights are the best ! ! !
November, in which 584,000 jobs were lost, and December marked the first time in the 70-year history of the report in which the economy lost more than 500,000 jobs in consecutive months.
"We have a bigger economy now, but even on a proportional basis, the last months have been the worst since ," said Kurt Karl, head of economic research at Swiss Re. "It's just an enormous acceleration of job losses."
By comparison, the 2.6 million jobs lost in 2008 nationwide were equal to the number of jobs found in states such as Wisconsin, Missouri or Maryland.
So basically, we fired Wisconsin. No foam cheese hats. No beer. No sausage shaped like beer. No Green Bay Packers! (Oh well. Go Giants.)
stolen from some other blog
The replica is very true to the original, and even has sound effects and lights that, all things considered, are probably better than those on the TV show. Unfortunately, it sells for $2,717.01, which—while cleverly getting the "1701" in there—is a heck of a lot money, and (not too unreasonably, given its size and, probably, weight) it costs $400 more to ship.
So now we know what all the rich geeks will be purchasing for themselves. They'll just have to figure out where to put it, since Star Trek chic doesn't go with most decors.
‘In 2007, Oracle CEO Larry Ellison out-earned all other CEOs in the U.S.’
Although Ellison only earned a nominal $1 million salary, he picked up a whopping $182 million in vested stock options that he exercised in 2007.
Over the last five years, Ellison has been paid $428.59 million. Averaged out, he has earned on average over $87 million per year since 2003.